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How Madness Transforms into Love

by eloepthien on October 15th, 2011

I’ve always wondered why it is a part of our nature to argue in ways that hurt – even though this seemingly never makes anything better, especially not in the long run. Brain research and psychology have been telling us for many years now, that we as humans are social beings that strive towards connection. We benefit each other and ourselves most by cooperating, mutual supporting and showing kindness to each other.  Yet there is hurt happening between us all over the place and it sometimes seems to hold us captive in vicious circles of hate and hate back.

Just recently I stumbled across a video training lesson by the Robbins&Madanes Training Center, talking about relationships and trust. The message in there really struck me.

Because of past and present experiences we sometimes lose trust in our partner’s ability and willingness to love and support us.

Now nature has come up with an amazing gift that allows us to re-build trust within a very short time – even when it had gotten lost over the course of many days or weeks or months.

This gift is our ability to hurt, to argue and to fight. As when we show such “bad” behavior we actually offer our partner the chance to prove his trustworthiness by showing us that we are loved even when we misbehave so badly.

Our longing to be loved unconditionally can only be proofed fulfilled by NOT complying with what our partners would like to get from us right now.

The greatest trust is formed in moments of difficulty and stress

So when it feels like our needs are not getting met in a relationship, we start to test where we are really at. Children do this all the time, like my little son on the picture, who wants to know if he is loved even when he is fighting with a spate.

Our partners and friends do it as well. By seeing their disturbing words and actions as what they really are – a cry for love, support and appreciation – we can actually turn an argument into a source of deep trust and allow it to serve the purpose that nature might have intended for it : to rejuvenate and strengthen our relationships.

The first step here is to respect our partners true intentions. Many times we just misunderstand their perspective and don’t ask the right questions to find out what is really going on for them. When we can find the good intention in the other person, we will understand all the rest to and can go on together.

At the same time we can be more conscious with how and why we start to argue. Maybe we are so tired and angry from feeling worthless and not loved now or as a child, that arguing has become our constant mode of relating.

In this case it can help to ask ourselves some questions and to feel into what deeper need is expressing itself inside:

  • Are there areas in my relationship where I don’t feel trust?
  • Were there moments in my life when love was taken away from me? How did I react?
  • How would I know if my partner loved me?
  • What needs to happen in order for me to feel loved? What do others need to say or do to make me feel loved?

You can watch the video for free at the Robbins&Madanes Training Center.

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